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I made my wife a Caesar salad last night......
The dog was really pissed off though, it was his last tin!!..

My shampoo would last twice as long if I didn't use it on my shoulders....

A fella was sent into town by his pregnant girlfriend to buy a baby monitor.
He couldn't find one anywhere so he bought her a baby iguana instead ....


I found this on the menu at our local cafe idemx rilgl.
I asked the waitress: "What is it?"
She said: "Mixed grill"

A butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, when he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - CRASH !! - against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, bangs his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big ugly guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy:
"What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds,
"Genius - what are you talking about?”
It's the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!"

I met two good looking gipsy men in the pub last night and they asked me back to their place for a good time.
Yes, of course I went and what a time I had.
I went on the dodgems, the waltzer and I even won a goldfish!....