Pat Ritter. Books

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HELP YOUR CHILDREN TO BE ABLE TO COPE SUCCESSFULLY WITH PEER GROUP INFLUENCE
Rather than saying something like ‘kids today are just plain stupid’, perhaps it would be helpful if we look at children who are strong enough to resist undesirable peer group influence. The lessons we learnt may assist us to help our children to cope with this influence for not all children allow their social needs to rule their lives.
Children with high self-esteem who are used to experiencing success, in any field, are able to cope more effectively with peer pressure. Therefore parents can help their children by encouraging them to be interested in some activity in which they can be successful. The actual activity is not important. It could be physical, cultural or intellectual.
The important thing to consider is your children’s need to feel good about themselves and confident in their relationships with other people. It is particularly important that they are confident of a good relationship with their parents. This means that parents should make a habit of spending quality time with each of their children while utilizing the good communication skills discussed in Chapter 4.
Succeeding in an activity is critical. By succeeding, I do not necessarily mean winning by beating everyone else. What is important is the setting of achievable goals within the activity and rewarding your child when that goal is reached.
In this way your child will associate reaching a goal with self-satisfaction. He will then be able to set out and achieve goals in other areas and be on the road to becoming an independent person.
He will be able to think logically about the consequences of his actions and ascertain whether it moves him closer or further away from his goals. Then when confronted with peer group influence, as everyone is, he will be more likely to make sound decisions.
This can only work if the child (not you) sets his goals. It we set a goal to which our child is not committed, than failure is likely to follow. The result would be a drop in self-esteem which is the opposite of what we were aiming for.
Positive results will come when your child works towards a goal which is important to him. It is also important to give praise and encouragement to your children when they are working to achieve their goals. Do not withhold your praise until they have reached it. The fact that they are working towards a goal is more important than the goal itself, for it is this goal-seeking behaviour that you wish to encourage.
This continuous praise also helps to build self-esteem. If they have decided to give up a loved activity such as playing football or watching television in order to achieve their goal, then the fact that they are doing this should be praised. This will encourage greater commitment and a very positive attitude. However, your praise should be natural and spontaneous. If it is forced or insincere, it will be damaging indeed.
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EFFECTIVE MOTIVATION THROUGH ENCOURAGEMENT OF INDEPENDENCE
The basic message of this chapter is simple. If we, as parents, create an effective family environment, then our children will grow to be self-motivated adults.
One of the most difficult decisions for parents to make is when to ‘let go’ of their children and encourage independence.
In their early years our children are totally dependent on us. We feed them, clothe them and give them all they need. Then from about two years of age they show that they have a mind of their own.
They demand a certain degree of independence and the difficult thing in parenting is to encourage that independence while making sure that they come to no harm.
When a bird hatches out of its egg, its mother searches for food and feeds her chick until it is old enough to fly from its nest. If we don’t prepare our children to ‘fly from our nest’ they will become dependent upon us. In other words, they will get so used to others thinking and acting for them that they become incapable of filling an independent role in society. They become incapable of motivating themselves.
Stories abound in English literature of parents giving their children everything they physically desired. These children were not encouraged to acquire what they wanted by their own efforts.
They were given everything that they wanted by their well-intentioned parents. The message that these children actually received is ‘you do as I want you to do and I will look after you’. This message breeds dependence, and failure usually follows. The children are then considered to be irresponsible and ungrateful. This is a situation in which everyone loses.
We also find that if we try to keep them dependent when they wish to be independent of us, we incite rebellion. If dependence is not given when rebellion occurs, we have conflict. So we’re in a dilemma for which there is no easy solution.
My son presented us with a dilemma when he was two years old. He wanted to fill his own cup from the jug. If I allowed him to pour, he would make a mess and if I didn’t, how would he learn? Needless to say, he learnt to pour at an early age.
We want them to be independent but if we let go of them too soon, they may not be capable of handling themselves in the outside world. What I am saying is that we should sit down and consider how best to assist our children’s path towards independence. By ‘assist’ I mean how to help them to help themselves, not giving things to them. In fact independence in some things should be encouraged at all times even when our children are young.
Obviously if young children can’t tie their shoelaces you must do it for them, but there comes a time when you should ask them to try to do it themselves otherwise they might want you to tie them up even when they are physically capable of doing it themselves.
What we must do is choose the time when they are ready to learn then encourage them to want to learn how to tie up their shoelaces.
When they do learn, smile at them, hug them, tell them that they are very clever and what good children they are as well. They will smile back and be happy. They will feel good. They have achieved something and success, even in this small task, is important.
This is a very simple concept but it applies right throughout their lives. We know we cannot sit for their exams, nor can we learn for them, but we can help them to learn for themselves. Let me give you a personal example of how a parent can help his child to become more independent.
It was suggested by my mother that my daughter (then aged 6) stay a few days with her during the school holidays. When my wife and I first heard this we didn’t think that our daughter would want to be apart from us, even for a night.
Then we gave it some thought. What we were really saying was that we didn’t want her to be away from us.
Naturally we felt uneasy about our daughter being away from home but then we realised that we were only concerned with our feelings and that the experience of staying with her grandparents would actually assist her to become more independent.
We decided to let our daughter make the decision and to our surprise she wanted to go. To us that meant our daughter was ready to go and holding her back would have only encouraged dependence?
Even though I realised this, it was still very hard not let her go. I think those few days were far harder on us than they were on her. In fact I know they were because she had a great time while we worried about her. By conquering our fears, we allowed her to grow.
What is being emphasized here is that it is not easy to let go but when you do let go and see the results, it is worth it. If you don’t let go, the results will not bring you, or your children, happiness.
In fact the very things that you have tried to avoid will probably eventuate. So you must let go. It is just a matter of when. If you let go too soon, you’ve got to be prepared to pick them up, put them back on their feet and send them off again. You cannot keep them dependent on you. That will only lead to failure, for you as a parent and for your children as individuals.
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MAXIMIZE MOTIVATORS AND MINIMIZE DE-MOTIVATORS
Recognition, a history of success, an appropriate amount of independence, a secure relationship with parents, being treated as a valued individual and an important member of the family, as well as the ability and authority to make decisions about one’s own life are all motivating factors.
These are the factors that determine whether the quality of his work is to be ‘just enough’ to keep him out of trouble or really first class. However these factors must be built upon a strong foundation. A strong foundation is where there are no de-motivating factors present.
De-motivating factors are those which cause the student to be diverted from reaching his goal. For example even a well motivated student trying his best can be driven to distraction by the noise of a lawn mower just outside his window. Each individual student will have his own de-motivators.
Find out what de-motivates your children and work with them to minimize the distraction. Interruptions, noise, lack of suitable study facilities and equipment, lack of privacy and even continual changes in family routines can be de-motivators.
Parents can effectively motivate their children by creating an environment where motivating factors are abundant and de-motivating factors are scarce. By providing such an environment they will also be strengthening their family’s relationships.
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CHAPTER 6
HOW TO INFLUENCE YOUR CHILDREN CONSTRUCTIVELY
It is important that you, as a parent, consider the way you currently influence your children. All parents influence their children every time they have contact with them.
Even a lack of contact can have an impact. If you are a parent you cannot escape influencing your children’s behaviour. Therefore the question to ask yourself is simply, ‘am I predominately a positive or a negative influence on my children?’
To answer this question, look at the behaviour of your children. If you are not happy with their behaviour, then it is time to consider changing the way you influence them.

EACH CHILD IS AN INDIVIDUAL
It is important to realise that all children are very much individuals in their own right. They are not copies of anyone. Two children placed in exactly the same situation may well behave differently. One may choose to react positively while the other may choose to react negatively. Children faced with the same choices often take different paths.
We may be trying to influence our child to behave in a certain way but he may react with behaviour that is the opposite of what we want. This is because all of us choose how we will behave in any situation. Mr and Mrs Dean found this out by painful experience.
The Deans have two children, Jill and her younger brother, Roger. They live in a comfortable home. Mr Dean has a good managerial job while his wife is involved in a number of charitable organisations.
Jill is their pride and joy. She is a brilliant student, a good athlete and has a lively personality. Roger is the bane of their existence. His parents were unable to understand his behaviour as both children had been brought up in exactly the same way. His scholastic achievement was poor and he was not interested in any sport.
Roger had chosen to react differently to Jill partly because he was jealous of Jill’s accomplishments and the resultant praise she received from her parents. He felt that he could not compete with her so he subconsciously chose to be noticed by being different.
Roger was certainly noticed but not in a way that was doing him or his parents any good. He had already come to the notice of the local police. Getting off this treadmill would require a change in behaviour in both himself and his parents. The Deans would not be able to make progress with Roger until they recognized him as an individual, with strengths and weaknesses of his own.
If you have more than one child and they all react positively to your influence, then there is no need to change. If however one of your children is reacting negatively, then you need to examine the way in which you interact with that child.
By changing the way you influence him, you can encourage him to change his behaviour. By influencing his behaviour you can bring about a change in attitude.
The way we behave is something that we have learnt. When we realise this, we can encourage our child to unlearn destructive behaviours and replace them with constructive behaviours. This is often a difficult and painful process but it can be done.
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FACTORS THAT INFLUENCE CHILDREN
Perhaps the biggest way we can influence our children is with our own behaviour. We are the most significant people in our children’s lives. Other significant people include their teachers, their friends, their grandparents and other relatives.
But none of these people have more power to influence them than their own parents. Some parents, because of work and other pressures, do not take advantage of this influence. For example, Roger’s father was surprised and shocked to realise that he spent less than 10 minutes per week in quality time with his son.
Because of lack of contact with his father, Roger had decided that he wasn’t worth his father’s attention. This wasn’t the message that Mr Dean consciously decided to send to his son but nevertheless, that was what Roger received.
The time that we spend with our children and the way we interact with them, constantly sends messages to our children about how much we value them. Every human being wants to be treated with basic human dignity.
If we are too busy to spend time with our children or if we continually send them negative messages (whether it is done intentionally or not), then we should not be surprised if they react negatively.
We can change a child’s negative reaction if we change the way we react to them. This can then help to change the way they react to us. It is not possible to wipe out the past. It is possible to discuss it, admit to mistakes on both sides and to learn from it.
As we attempt to do this, we should be careful not to concentrate on too narrow a front such as success at school. Although school is important, if we concentrate on this exclusively, we will be doing our children a disservice perhaps even setting them up to fail. This is because we are all ‘whole’ people with many facets to our being. Our emotional, physical and social development are as important as our intellectual development.
If we treat our children as ‘whole’ people and encourage them in a wide range of activities, one of which is study, then they will be more effective in what they do learn than if they were treated as just ‘studying machines’.
Experience in emotional, physical and social activities can actually help children in intellectual activities. For example, experience in developing tactics during a football game or during a game of chess, can make it easier to understand the tactics of ancient battles. A well-rounded person learns from a variety of experiences and is able to transfer his experiences from one situation to another.
It has been my classroom experience that people with a wide range of life experiences are generally quicker to understand and apply complex theories than those who have more limited life experiences.
Parents can exert influence on their children in a variety of ways including:
1.Being role models.
2.Encouraging children to respect their parents’ knowledge and experience.
3.Using parental authority.
4.Using rewards or the promise of rewards.
5.Using punishment or the threat of punishment.
Our influence may not always have the effect we desire. For example, teenage children generally will be less likely than younger children to allow punishment (or rewards) to influence their behaviour.
Influencing by punishment or reward requires parents to continually monitor the behaviour of their child to ensure compliance. If they do not monitor their child’s behaviour, then these two methods lose their effect. As a result it requires more effort for parents to use punishment or reward to influence their teenage children.
It is obviously far more effective if your teenager behaves as you would like him to because he believes that he should, rather than because he will be punished if he gets caught.
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CHANGING THE WAY YOU INFLUENCE YOUR CHILDREN
If parents are to have a continual positive influence on their children, they must be prepared to change the way they interact with them as their children grow older.
When your children are young it is appropriate to tell them what to do, but as they grow older you have to become less demanding and more encouraging.
This should be a natural progression. You go from the role of taking all decisions for them, to taking most decisions, to taking some decisions to finally taking no decisions. It is a transition from being a benevolent dictator when your children are toddlers to close and trusted adviser when your children are adults.
This progress is not always smooth and conflict occurs when children want more authority than parents are prepared to give. The amount of authority that parents should give is impossible to define.
Parents have to consider the particular situation and the maturity of the child before they can make an appropriate decision. However it is important that their maturity be considered. It is easy for parents not to notice how quickly their children are maturing. We must be prepared to give them more authority as they grow older but on the other hand, we must also expect more responsibility from them.
MISTAKES ARE PART OF GROWING UP
As this learning process continues, mistakes on both sides will be made. We may give them too much freedom or too little. If a child reacts irresponsibly to too much freedom, then the way we react when this happens is important.
If we react by saying to the child that he will never again be trusted and that in future his freedom will be restricted, then what we are doing is keeping him dependent upon us for a while longer. Unfortunately this reaction, natural as it is, could actually weaken the parent-child relationship rather than strengthen it.
On the other hand we can deal with our own emotions, focus on our parenting goals and use our family problem-solving skills. Whatever we do, we should not protect them from taking the consequences of their actions. By taking the consequences, they learn that responsibility goes hand in hand with freedom. In this way they can learn that they are responsible for their actions.
One should always be careful to differentiate between natural mistakes that are part of growing and actual behavioural problems. We must send a clear message to our children that it is quite all right to make mistakes. Making them is a natural part of growing up. In fact mistakes can be an important aid to growth, but only if we learn from them.
Children grow and mature
If they are not afraid
Of making mistakes
We should help our children learn from their mistakes rather than criticise them for it. After all, we all make mistakes so why should we think badly of them if they make mistakes?
This reminds me of a statement made by one of our cricketing greats, a former Test fast bowler, during a television commentary. He said that if a fast bowler wasn’t making the occasional mistake with his length and direction, then he simply wasn’t trying hard enough.
If you allow yourself to be in a situation where you don’t make mistakes, then you’re not challenging yourself to do things better. If children are to test the limits of their ability then they will make mistakes. If consequently their parents criticise them they may restrict themselves only to those activities that are safe and unchallenging.
COMMUNICATION AND MOTIVATIONAL SKILLS ARE ESSENTIAL
So far in this chapter we have discussed the effect parents have on their children and how parents can influence their children constructively. It would now be useful to look at how parents actually exert their influence.
Parents influence their children by the way they communicate with them and by the way they motivate them. In essence, their communication skills and their motivational skills add up to the influence that each parent has, whether positive or negative.
‘Communication’ here means all verbal and non-verbal messages, whether correctly interpreted or not. ‘Motivation’ here means all reactions by the child to the parent’s actions whether they are the ones intended or not.
Therefore if you are not happy with some aspect of your child’s behaviour, use the problem-solving approach which we discussed in Chapter 2.
1.Define the problem and determine the outcome you desire;
2.Collect any available information which is relevant to the problem;
3.Develop possible solutions and evaluate their likely outcomes (including possible changes in the way you relate to your child);
4.Select the best solution;
5.Implement the chosen solution; and
6.Evaluate the effectiveness of your decision.
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CHAPTER 7
HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN SUCCEED IN SCHOOL AND IN LIFE
Even though this is the last chapter, it is perhaps the most important. It is what the other chapters have led up to. In it is the basis upon which the lessons previously learnt can be applied, for it is about succeeding in life itself. To demonstrate this point, let me tell you of Tom’s experience.
Tom and his wife took their son to speak with Pat (co-author, who was the Officer-in-Charge of Juvenile Aid Bureau Petrie). There he expressed his frustration at his son, Jim behaviour. Tom was an engineer by trade and an energetic and successful manager by occupation.
Jim was in Grade 9 and completely unable to handle school life. He was continually misbehaving and playing truant. As well as being behind in his school work, Jim was disinterested in everything and bored with life in general.
Jim’s parents wanted the best for their son but everything they tried seemed to make things worse. They were totally disenchanted with Jim. Jim was not terribly impressed with the situation either.
It was clear that he thought he could not cope with school work. It was also clear that his self-esteem was very low and that he resented others telling him what was good for him.
Jim had no purpose to his life. He was drifting along, always taking the path of least resistance (for example he didn’t actually do anything that he really enjoyed when he played truant. It was simply less hassle than going to school). What Jim didn’t need was someone else to criticise him and remind him that he was a failure.
Pat realised he needed to reach Jim first before anything constructive could be done, so he began to talk about sport. Fortunately Jim was interested in Rugby League and this proved to be a fruitful topic.
Jim agreed that all competitive teams had something in common: they all had a long term goal to win the premiership; an intermediate goal to win a game; and a short-term goal to score the next points.
He recognized that a successful team doesn’t win by accident. They set their goals and then plan ways to achieve them. These plans always include pre-match activities such as practice and physical conditioning.
Jim agreed that teamwork was also important as very few players can regularly score tries without the assistance of their team mates. When one player scores a try, all his team mates share in the joy that this brings.
It didn’t take long for Jim and his parents to realise that they were in fact a team that they also needed to set family and individual goals and then plan to achieve them. They also recognized the value of helping each other to achieve their own goals.
Jim responded immediately. He set a goal there and then, to pass his exams. He then thought about how he was going to achieve this goal. He knew that his personal preparation, mental conditioning if you like, was important. Developing a Study Timetable, or plan, was a way that would assist him to achieve his goal.
This was Jim’s Study Timetable:
* 4.00pm – afternoon tea;
* 4.30pm – Study 2 subjects;
* Study weakest subject first; (reason because the mind is fresh and alert)
* 5.30pm – 10 minute break (snack or go for a walk);
* 5.40pm – 6.20pm – study two subjects;
* 6.30pm – Dinner;
* 7.30pm – Continue studies until finished.
* Relax and unwind before going to bed.
Jim’s progress was good due to the effective support of his parents and his own decision to pass his exams. Jim’s problems were (in part) due to his belief in his inability to cope with school work. This made him feel like a failure even though he was bright and intelligent.
We can learn many things from Jim’s experience. One of the most important is the effect that low self-esteem has on performance. Jim felt a failure and believed he was a failure, so his self-esteem dropped. When his self-esteem dropped, his performance dropped as well.
The importance of effective family teamwork is also highlighted in this example. It is simply not enough to want to help. Parents must be able to help effectively; otherwise as in this case, well-intended efforts can make the problem worse.
When Jim was being ‘tackled’ by life’s events, he wasn’t getting up to try again. He was simply giving up. This is hardly surprising for he wasn’t getting the support he needed from the rest of the team and he had no faith in himself.
As Jim’s performance dropped, less was expected of him and then his performance dropped again in line with everyone’s expectations. This destructive cycle was repeating itself. It was necessary to break this cycle before anything could be achieved.
Unfortunately we all can fall into the trap of drifting through life without really knowing where we are going. We make decisions individually, often on the spur of the moment (with the best intentions of course) but without really knowing exactly what we, or the rest of our family, want to do. We do not sit down and decide what we want out of life and more importantly, how we can achieve it.
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