Pat Ritter. Books

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'Closing The Gap' - Page 28:

FACTORS THAT INFLUENCE CHILDREN
Perhaps the biggest way we can influence our children is with our own behaviour. We are the most significant people in our children’s lives. Other significant people include their teachers, their friends, their grandparents and other relatives.
But none of these people have more power to influence them than their own parents. Some parents, because of work and other pressures, do not take advantage of this influence. For example, Roger’s father was surprised and shocked to realise that he spent less than 10 minutes per week in quality time with his son.
Because of lack of contact with his father, Roger had decided that he wasn’t worth his father’s attention. This wasn’t the message that Mr Dean consciously decided to send to his son but nevertheless, that was what Roger received.
The time that we spend with our children and the way we interact with them, constantly sends messages to our children about how much we value them. Every human being wants to be treated with basic human dignity.
If we are too busy to spend time with our children or if we continually send them negative messages (whether it is done intentionally or not), then we should not be surprised if they react negatively.
We can change a child’s negative reaction if we change the way we react to them. This can then help to change the way they react to us. It is not possible to wipe out the past. It is possible to discuss it, admit to mistakes on both sides and to learn from it.
As we attempt to do this, we should be careful not to concentrate on too narrow a front such as success at school. Although school is important, if we concentrate on this exclusively, we will be doing our children a disservice perhaps even setting them up to fail. This is because we are all ‘whole’ people with many facets to our being. Our emotional, physical and social development are as important as our intellectual development.
If we treat our children as ‘whole’ people and encourage them in a wide range of activities, one of which is study, then they will be more effective in what they do learn than if they were treated as just ‘studying machines’.
Experience in emotional, physical and social activities can actually help children in intellectual activities. For example, experience in developing tactics during a football game or during a game of chess, can make it easier to understand the tactics of ancient battles. A well-rounded person learns from a variety of experiences and is able to transfer his experiences from one situation to another.
It has been my classroom experience that people with a wide range of life experiences are generally quicker to understand and apply complex theories than those who have more limited life experiences.
Parents can exert influence on their children in a variety of ways including:
1.Being role models.
2.Encouraging children to respect their parents’ knowledge and experience.
3.Using parental authority.
4.Using rewards or the promise of rewards.
5.Using punishment or the threat of punishment.
Our influence may not always have the effect we desire. For example, teenage children generally will be less likely than younger children to allow punishment (or rewards) to influence their behaviour.
Influencing by punishment or reward requires parents to continually monitor the behaviour of their child to ensure compliance. If they do not monitor their child’s behaviour, then these two methods lose their effect. As a result it requires more effort for parents to use punishment or reward to influence their teenage children.
It is obviously far more effective if your teenager behaves as you would like him to because he believes that he should, rather than because he will be punished if he gets caught.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 29:

CHANGING THE WAY YOU INFLUENCE YOUR CHILDREN
If parents are to have a continual positive influence on their children, they must be prepared to change the way they interact with them as their children grow older.
When your children are young it is appropriate to tell them what to do, but as they grow older you have to become less demanding and more encouraging.
This should be a natural progression. You go from the role of taking all decisions for them, to taking most decisions, to taking some decisions to finally taking no decisions. It is a transition from being a benevolent dictator when your children are toddlers to close and trusted adviser when your children are adults.
This progress is not always smooth and conflict occurs when children want more authority than parents are prepared to give. The amount of authority that parents should give is impossible to define.
Parents have to consider the particular situation and the maturity of the child before they can make an appropriate decision. However it is important that their maturity be considered. It is easy for parents not to notice how quickly their children are maturing. We must be prepared to give them more authority as they grow older but on the other hand, we must also expect more responsibility from them.
MISTAKES ARE PART OF GROWING UP
As this learning process continues, mistakes on both sides will be made. We may give them too much freedom or too little. If a child reacts irresponsibly to too much freedom, then the way we react when this happens is important.
If we react by saying to the child that he will never again be trusted and that in future his freedom will be restricted, then what we are doing is keeping him dependent upon us for a while longer. Unfortunately this reaction, natural as it is, could actually weaken the parent-child relationship rather than strengthen it.
On the other hand we can deal with our own emotions, focus on our parenting goals and use our family problem-solving skills. Whatever we do, we should not protect them from taking the consequences of their actions. By taking the consequences, they learn that responsibility goes hand in hand with freedom. In this way they can learn that they are responsible for their actions.
One should always be careful to differentiate between natural mistakes that are part of growing and actual behavioural problems. We must send a clear message to our children that it is quite all right to make mistakes. Making them is a natural part of growing up. In fact mistakes can be an important aid to growth, but only if we learn from them.
Children grow and mature
If they are not afraid
Of making mistakes
We should help our children learn from their mistakes rather than criticise them for it. After all, we all make mistakes so why should we think badly of them if they make mistakes?
This reminds me of a statement made by one of our cricketing greats, a former Test fast bowler, during a television commentary. He said that if a fast bowler wasn’t making the occasional mistake with his length and direction, then he simply wasn’t trying hard enough.
If you allow yourself to be in a situation where you don’t make mistakes, then you’re not challenging yourself to do things better. If children are to test the limits of their ability then they will make mistakes. If consequently their parents criticise them they may restrict themselves only to those activities that are safe and unchallenging.
COMMUNICATION AND MOTIVATIONAL SKILLS ARE ESSENTIAL
So far in this chapter we have discussed the effect parents have on their children and how parents can influence their children constructively. It would now be useful to look at how parents actually exert their influence.
Parents influence their children by the way they communicate with them and by the way they motivate them. In essence, their communication skills and their motivational skills add up to the influence that each parent has, whether positive or negative.
‘Communication’ here means all verbal and non-verbal messages, whether correctly interpreted or not. ‘Motivation’ here means all reactions by the child to the parent’s actions whether they are the ones intended or not.
Therefore if you are not happy with some aspect of your child’s behaviour, use the problem-solving approach which we discussed in Chapter 2.
1.Define the problem and determine the outcome you desire;
2.Collect any available information which is relevant to the problem;
3.Develop possible solutions and evaluate their likely outcomes (including possible changes in the way you relate to your child);
4.Select the best solution;
5.Implement the chosen solution; and
6.Evaluate the effectiveness of your decision.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 30:

CHAPTER 7
HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN SUCCEED IN SCHOOL AND IN LIFE
Even though this is the last chapter, it is perhaps the most important. It is what the other chapters have led up to. In it is the basis upon which the lessons previously learnt can be applied, for it is about succeeding in life itself. To demonstrate this point, let me tell you of Tom’s experience.
Tom and his wife took their son to speak with Pat (co-author, who was the Officer-in-Charge of Juvenile Aid Bureau Petrie). There he expressed his frustration at his son, Jim behaviour. Tom was an engineer by trade and an energetic and successful manager by occupation.
Jim was in Grade 9 and completely unable to handle school life. He was continually misbehaving and playing truant. As well as being behind in his school work, Jim was disinterested in everything and bored with life in general.
Jim’s parents wanted the best for their son but everything they tried seemed to make things worse. They were totally disenchanted with Jim. Jim was not terribly impressed with the situation either.
It was clear that he thought he could not cope with school work. It was also clear that his self-esteem was very low and that he resented others telling him what was good for him.
Jim had no purpose to his life. He was drifting along, always taking the path of least resistance (for example he didn’t actually do anything that he really enjoyed when he played truant. It was simply less hassle than going to school). What Jim didn’t need was someone else to criticise him and remind him that he was a failure.
Pat realised he needed to reach Jim first before anything constructive could be done, so he began to talk about sport. Fortunately Jim was interested in Rugby League and this proved to be a fruitful topic.
Jim agreed that all competitive teams had something in common: they all had a long term goal to win the premiership; an intermediate goal to win a game; and a short-term goal to score the next points.
He recognized that a successful team doesn’t win by accident. They set their goals and then plan ways to achieve them. These plans always include pre-match activities such as practice and physical conditioning.
Jim agreed that teamwork was also important as very few players can regularly score tries without the assistance of their team mates. When one player scores a try, all his team mates share in the joy that this brings.
It didn’t take long for Jim and his parents to realise that they were in fact a team that they also needed to set family and individual goals and then plan to achieve them. They also recognized the value of helping each other to achieve their own goals.
Jim responded immediately. He set a goal there and then, to pass his exams. He then thought about how he was going to achieve this goal. He knew that his personal preparation, mental conditioning if you like, was important. Developing a Study Timetable, or plan, was a way that would assist him to achieve his goal.
This was Jim’s Study Timetable:
* 4.00pm – afternoon tea;
* 4.30pm – Study 2 subjects;
* Study weakest subject first; (reason because the mind is fresh and alert)
* 5.30pm – 10 minute break (snack or go for a walk);
* 5.40pm – 6.20pm – study two subjects;
* 6.30pm – Dinner;
* 7.30pm – Continue studies until finished.
* Relax and unwind before going to bed.
Jim’s progress was good due to the effective support of his parents and his own decision to pass his exams. Jim’s problems were (in part) due to his belief in his inability to cope with school work. This made him feel like a failure even though he was bright and intelligent.
We can learn many things from Jim’s experience. One of the most important is the effect that low self-esteem has on performance. Jim felt a failure and believed he was a failure, so his self-esteem dropped. When his self-esteem dropped, his performance dropped as well.
The importance of effective family teamwork is also highlighted in this example. It is simply not enough to want to help. Parents must be able to help effectively; otherwise as in this case, well-intended efforts can make the problem worse.
When Jim was being ‘tackled’ by life’s events, he wasn’t getting up to try again. He was simply giving up. This is hardly surprising for he wasn’t getting the support he needed from the rest of the team and he had no faith in himself.
As Jim’s performance dropped, less was expected of him and then his performance dropped again in line with everyone’s expectations. This destructive cycle was repeating itself. It was necessary to break this cycle before anything could be achieved.
Unfortunately we all can fall into the trap of drifting through life without really knowing where we are going. We make decisions individually, often on the spur of the moment (with the best intentions of course) but without really knowing exactly what we, or the rest of our family, want to do. We do not sit down and decide what we want out of life and more importantly, how we can achieve it.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 31:

GOAL SETTING IS VITAL
Before we can achieve what we want from life, we have to decide just what it is that we do want. Therefore each family member should be encouraged to set their own goals.
The first stage in this goal setting process is for each member of the family to individually write down three things that they want out of life within, the next three years.
After you have chosen and written down your three goals, modify them again to ensure that they have the following characteristics.
1.YOUR GOALS SHOULD BE REALISTIC
This means that you should have a good chance of being able to achieve them. Impossible goals lead to unworkable plans and unworkable plans lead only to failure.
An unrealistic goal for example, would be that in future there will be no conflict in the family and everyone will always be very polite to each other.
There isn’t much chance of that happening in my family and probably not much chance in yours, so the plans you would make to achieve that goal will be faulty because the goal is itself unrealistic.
2.YOUR GOALS SHOULD BE MEASURABLE
Whatever it is you are trying to achieve you should actually be able to find out whether you have achieved it or not. Otherwise what is the point of a goal at all?
Very often we have hazy goals such as ‘I will be happier’ or ‘I will spend more time with my children’. Hazy goals like these are not effective because you only have a hazy idea of how to get there. You can only have definite and effective plans if you know exactly where you are going.
3.YOUR GOALS SHOULD BE TIME-SCHEDULED
Time-scheduling is important because it helps to further define your goal. This is necessary because the plans to achieve something in three months may well be different if you increase the time period to three years.
The goal is the same, but the plans could well be radically different. For example, if your goal was to learn a foreign language, then your plans would be different depending on whether you had three months or three years to do so.
An example of a realistic, measurable and time-scheduled goal is to reduce the number of family disturbances to say, one per month. This is measurable, it is specific. You know if you have achieved that goal or not, by counting and recording such disturbances.
CALL A FAMILY MEETING
Once each person has their three goals, which are all realistic, measurable and time scheduled, then the family can come together to discuss those goals and to formulate family goals.
For this process to be successful, you will need good communication skills. Perhaps it might be useful to re-read Chapter 4 on communication skills before your family meeting.
The purpose of the first family meeting will be to come up with a series of family goals and individual goals. Determine which goals involve other members of the family then work through and sort compatible goals from incompatible ones.
Don’t be surprised or perturbed if conflicting goals emerge. You should however, recognize that these goals will have to be worked out. It would be useless having a family goal ‘to spend more time together’ if one family member wanted to get a job which entailed longer working hours. These goals would be incompatible. When incompatible goals arise then further family discussions are necessary.
If these discussions lead to conflict, then it is, beneficial for this to be recognized and dealt with at this stage, otherwise we may find ourselves snapping at the other’s behaviour without really knowing why.
If family members are pursuing incompatible goals, then conflict is sure to result. However, we may not realise the underlying cause of this conflict.
At this meeting at least any conflict will be out in the open where all can see and understand its cause. Remember that conflict is part of life. Try not to react emotionally. If you think there may be conflict, read the first chapter again.
This meeting could be very stressful for all concerned particularly if this is an unusual event. Perhaps it would be useful to review Chapter 3 before your first meeting.
If you feel threatened, it is very important to share that information with your children, at this ‘round table’ meeting. By sharing your feelings, you and your children (who possibly have similar misgivings) will feel more comfortable.
During these discussions we may find that we have unrealistic expectations of our children. It is far better to find this out and talk it over with them than it is to continue under a set of false assumptions.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 32:

DEVELOPING PLANS
When your goals have been decided on, it is time to develop plans to achieve those goals. For instance, if your child has a goal of achieving a higher grade in Maths by the end of the year, then plans must be made as to how this can be achieved. It won’t happen by itself.
As each person is an individual, we must recognize that different people have different requirements and perhaps even different methods to achieve the same goal. Therefore we must not impose our own goals and plans on our children. Just because we would do it differently doesn’t mean that it is the only way or even the best way.
One of the basic purposes of this process is to involve your children in decision-making where it directly affects them. This is recommended because as we saw in Chapter 2, they will have more commitment to decisions which they helped to arrive at, and which they see as realistic and obtainable, rather than those which are imposed upon them.
For example, it can be a very pointless and frustrating exercise for you to force a child to adopt a particular study timetable. If you did this, then that timetable would not be as useful as it should be, because the child may rather see the timetable fail than see it being successful.
Then when he fails to get a higher grade in Maths, he will be able to say that it wasn’t his fault – it was because his study program didn’t work.
You cannot study for your children, you cannot sit for their exams, they have to do that themselves and they have to have some commitment towards their goals. Once your children have the commitment, you can begin to assist them.
It is very important for parents to be seen to be assisting their children, for example, by organising meal times to fit in with their study routine, by ensuring quietness in the house during study time and providing good study facilities.
Time tabling is important because the children will know themselves what is the best time for them to study. Most students need to adopt a regular routine. This may be inconvenient for the rest of the family so all the family members need to be involved in decision making if the best results are to be obtained.
RECORDING YOUR PLANS
There are four important benefits which can come from putting your plans in writing.
Every member knows what the plans are therefore no one is under any misunderstanding about their role in combined plans. This aids communication and reduces the possibility of emotional conflict.
Written plans can be reviewed more easily. Plans must be flexible, because if a situation changes, then the plans must be able to be reviewed and changed if necessary.
Written plans force all family members to think carefully about them. This may help family members to think of better plans.
Written plans reinforce commitment to those plans.
IMPLEMENTING YOUR PLANS
Once all family members have agreed on their plans, it is obviously the responsibility of those involved to implement them. It is no use doing all the planning if no action is taken.
As an incentive to carry out the plans, rewards should be built into each plan. Be aware of the temptation to use punishment to keep your children to their plans.
Remember that if you force them, you are encouraging them to be dependent upon you. This might offer some short-term benefits but it contributes to long-term failure.
It can be extremely difficult for parents to allow their children to take responsibility for their own lives. Sometimes we, with our greater life experience, see that they are not doing enough to reach a certain goal and our instincts tell us to step in and take charge.
While this reaction is entirely natural, as our children grow, we should allow them their own life experiences and allow them to make their mistakes as we made ours.
It can be better for a child to fail on his own effort and to learn from and accept the consequences of his failure. Teamed with your positive encouragement to try again, this experience can help your child to long term independence and success.
EVALUATING YOUR PROGRESS
Another important part of this overall process is to evaluate the progress that the family members are making on the road to their goals.
This evaluation should take place more or less continuously whenever possible. For example, a child shouldn’t wait until exams to see whether he has achieved his goal of improved performance, because by that time it is too late to do anything about it.
A student could self-test himself on a regular fortnightly or monthly basis. That way he will know how effective his study methods are and therefore he will know if he needs to change them.
If the methods he has chosen are not working, then the sooner he knows that, the sooner he can take action to remedy the situation and the better off he will be.
It is always possible to make mistakes in planning or in implementing your plans. The sooner you realise that you are off target, the sooner you can devise ways to get back on target.
Therefore the information you get from such an evaluation is shifted back to the planning stage where you may wish to change some of your plans.
As you can see, this evaluating process is essential. Progressive evaluation can in itself, be an important part of achieving your goals.
Your evaluation could highlight the improvements your family are making. This will help to raise family self-esteem and family expectations. This will in turn help to lift family performance. When this happens, what you have created is an upward spiral to success.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 33:

ENSURING SUCCESS
Planning, implementing and evaluating are an ongoing process.
First you plan, then you put into practice and then you find out how effective you have been. If you feel you can be more effective, you implement changes and of course you then evaluate them. You will find that this is an ongoing process and once you are used to it, it becomes quite natural.
This process can be applied to almost all human endeavours. In fact if you are thinking about a change in any part of your family life even in your career and you wish to increase your chances of success: set your goal, devise a plan to achieve it, implement the plan and then evaluate your progress.
You then feed that information (whether positive or negative), back into your planning stage and start again. This way you are always moving closer to your goal.
You and the members of your family will be more successful in a variety of life experiences, once these basic life skills are mastered. The mutual success of all the members of your family will further strengthen your family relationships.
Now that you have completed this guide, it is time to start thinking of how to use all this information. You must now take action to benefit from what you have read. Here are five basic steps for you to start on:
1.Announce a family meeting and state its purpose.
2.Think about your own personal goals.
3.Develop personal as well as family goals and plans at this meeting.
4.Implement your plans while encouraging others to implement theirs.
5.Evaluate the results.
6.Plan the next meeting.
Announce today that you want to have a family meeting. Tell all members of your family what you want the meeting to achieve and then give it a go.
You have nothing to lose and your family will know that you care enough about them to want to develop stronger family relationships.



REFERENCES:
1.Chapter 1. Organisational Behaviour in Australia.
2.Chapter 6. You and Stress.
3.The Juvenile Aid Bureau is a section of the Queensland Police Service set up to deal with juveniles.
4.Chapter 2. Stress and the Manager.
5.Chapter 7. Behaving – Managing Yourself and Others.
6.Original concept by Albert Ellis.
7.Kindly supplied by Pat Golik.
8.Chapter 5. Women and Fatigue.
9.Chapter 7. The Wellness Workbook.
10.Original ‘diet’ by Norman Vincent Peale.
11.Chapter 2. Supervision in Action.
12.A Handbook of Structured Experiences For Human Relations Training. Edited by J.W.Pfeiffer & J.E.Jones.
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THIS IS THE FINAL PAGE TO 'CLOSING THE GAP'. HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED READING THE CONTENTS. NEW BOOK TOMORROW. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT. MUCH APPRECIATED.

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'Confessions of an alcoholic' - Page 23:

It was now up to him to search through his database of drinking history to find out how he came to be in the position he now found himself to be in. He didn’t want to seek help and knew what the problem was; alcohol had total control over him and for him to take total control over alcohol, he had to give it away completely and have nothing more to do with it ever again.

Chapter 2

Bundy was about to board his train of life returning him to where it first started as a child of twelve years at his parent’s house. The year was 1960. It was going to be a long journey.
Quicksilver’s family Christmas was a gathering of relatives from all over the countryside. There were grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and others who claimed to be relatives. Once a year, the family gave away their differences to gather, to celebrate Christmas together.
With each Christmas gathering, came plenty of beer. In those days large beer bottles were used, stubbies hadn’t been invented. Also, on the beer menu was a five-gallon wooden keg. Steel kegs had not been invented as well. A five-gallon keg always started the celebrations, not knowing how many more kegs would be consumed over the Christmas festival season.
Normally, no fewer than thirty relatives arrived for Christmas. It was a very exciting time listening to all of the stories from relatives living far away, visitors from far out west, some from the city, others nearby. Nothing was orderly; Bundy’s mother and grandmother cooked most of the meals making certain Christmas Dinner was the main event of the festive season.
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