Re: Pat Ritter. Books
Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2018 10:31 pm
'Closing The Gap' - Page 4:
THE ‘I WIN, YOU LOSE’ RESPONSE:
Another method of responding to conflict is by competing. In other words, you go all out, thereby forcing the other person to lose. This response is the opposite of ‘You Win, I Lose’. It is a common method of conflict-handling in most families. Is it in yours?
‘If you don’t do what I want then I’ll do this to you’. If you have said something like that, then you have used this conflict response.
In certain situations the ‘I win, you lose’ response is the only effective response. For example, you don’t have a family conference when the house is on fire, to decide, which is the best way to get out of the house? You all run for the nearest door and drag whoever you can after you. Whether they want to come with you or go back for their favourite toy doesn’t really concern you. You still drag them out by force if necessary.
In some situations the ‘I win, you lose’ response may not be the most effective choice as it can be very damaging to family relationships. If you have children at school and you keep forcing them to study when you say so, then you will certainly arouse the rebellious side of their nature. Their reaction to this conflict is likely to be destructive for both parties.
However, one of the basic roles of parents is to protect their children. Therefore parents can use this conflict handling method to prevent their children being badly hurt physically, morally or emotionally.
All too often in our society, competition is frequently a standard parental response to family conflict. Where this occurs, children learn that they too should compete in conflict situations. As these children grow older, they begin to realise that they have more power. They then fight harder in an attempt to ‘win’ in conflict situations.
When both parent and teenage children are intent on ‘winning’ then the conflict takes on a life of its own and the initial issue is often lost in the struggle for independence. The final issue often then becomes one of ‘Who is the boss around here?’
This can lead to a ‘no win’ situation for both parents and their children. Parents must eventually lose as their children reach adulthood. Children finally win by breaking away from their family but both lose when there is a complete break-up of the family.
THE ‘WE BOTH WIN AND LOSE SOMETHING’ RESPONSE:
Another means of responding to conflict is by compromising. In other words, ‘we have a problem here. You want this and I want that. We both can’t have what we want so why not settle for half and split the difference’. Like the other responses this can be effective in some situations and it can be ineffective in others.
Whether a compromise solution works or not is dependent upon the thinking of those involved in the dispute. If both parties settle for a ‘fair’ compromise, then the solution may only be short term as both parties have settled for less than what they wanted.
These disputes will often recur because both parties will eventually be dissatisfied with the outcome. They may come to regard it as ‘unfair’ to them. This will occur because both parties will have different views on what is ‘fair’ in their situation. Each one will be totally sure that his version of what is ‘fair’ is the right one.
The potential for conflict is just beneath the surface and it will only take a relatively small incident for one or both parties to feel justified in restarting the dispute.
However, it we accept that a compromise does not have to be fair to work, and if we recognize that fairness is not an absolute or a defined quantity, then compromises can work.
Here the participants are satisfied with the outcome because it moves them both closer to their goal. They accept that life is not always going to be fair and therefore they don’t always expect it to be so. They are then able to accept compromises and make them work.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
THE ‘I WIN, YOU LOSE’ RESPONSE:
Another method of responding to conflict is by competing. In other words, you go all out, thereby forcing the other person to lose. This response is the opposite of ‘You Win, I Lose’. It is a common method of conflict-handling in most families. Is it in yours?
‘If you don’t do what I want then I’ll do this to you’. If you have said something like that, then you have used this conflict response.
In certain situations the ‘I win, you lose’ response is the only effective response. For example, you don’t have a family conference when the house is on fire, to decide, which is the best way to get out of the house? You all run for the nearest door and drag whoever you can after you. Whether they want to come with you or go back for their favourite toy doesn’t really concern you. You still drag them out by force if necessary.
In some situations the ‘I win, you lose’ response may not be the most effective choice as it can be very damaging to family relationships. If you have children at school and you keep forcing them to study when you say so, then you will certainly arouse the rebellious side of their nature. Their reaction to this conflict is likely to be destructive for both parties.
However, one of the basic roles of parents is to protect their children. Therefore parents can use this conflict handling method to prevent their children being badly hurt physically, morally or emotionally.
All too often in our society, competition is frequently a standard parental response to family conflict. Where this occurs, children learn that they too should compete in conflict situations. As these children grow older, they begin to realise that they have more power. They then fight harder in an attempt to ‘win’ in conflict situations.
When both parent and teenage children are intent on ‘winning’ then the conflict takes on a life of its own and the initial issue is often lost in the struggle for independence. The final issue often then becomes one of ‘Who is the boss around here?’
This can lead to a ‘no win’ situation for both parents and their children. Parents must eventually lose as their children reach adulthood. Children finally win by breaking away from their family but both lose when there is a complete break-up of the family.
THE ‘WE BOTH WIN AND LOSE SOMETHING’ RESPONSE:
Another means of responding to conflict is by compromising. In other words, ‘we have a problem here. You want this and I want that. We both can’t have what we want so why not settle for half and split the difference’. Like the other responses this can be effective in some situations and it can be ineffective in others.
Whether a compromise solution works or not is dependent upon the thinking of those involved in the dispute. If both parties settle for a ‘fair’ compromise, then the solution may only be short term as both parties have settled for less than what they wanted.
These disputes will often recur because both parties will eventually be dissatisfied with the outcome. They may come to regard it as ‘unfair’ to them. This will occur because both parties will have different views on what is ‘fair’ in their situation. Each one will be totally sure that his version of what is ‘fair’ is the right one.
The potential for conflict is just beneath the surface and it will only take a relatively small incident for one or both parties to feel justified in restarting the dispute.
However, it we accept that a compromise does not have to be fair to work, and if we recognize that fairness is not an absolute or a defined quantity, then compromises can work.
Here the participants are satisfied with the outcome because it moves them both closer to their goal. They accept that life is not always going to be fair and therefore they don’t always expect it to be so. They are then able to accept compromises and make them work.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.