Pat Ritter. Books

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'Closing The Gap' - Page 7:

CHAPTER 2
How To Respond Constructively To Family Problems:
Parents and problems are two words that seem to go hand in hand. All parents have problems be they large or small. Everyone has, has had, or will have, problems. Problems, like conflict, are part of everyone’s life. Therefore the way we handle problems as parents is very important.
Firstly, we act as role models for our children. This means that children are likely to copy their parent’s reaction to problems. If we react to a problem by choosing the first solution that pops into our head, then we should not be surprised if they react in the same way.
Secondly, the quality of our solutions has a direct bearing on their lives. If we handle our problems well, then they will generally share in the rewards.
WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT?
It is important that parents have the ability to clarify who has the responsibility for a problem. ‘Responsibility’ is not meant to suggest blame, but rather who actually possesses the problem. Is it my personal problem? Is it my son’s problem? Is it a family problem? If it is my problem then I must take the responsibility for solving it. If it is my son’s problem then he must take responsibility for solving it. If it is a family problem then all members must take responsibility, provided the children are old enough to contribute in a meaningful way.
Deciding whose problem it is, is vital.
Parents have a natural tendency to try and solve problems irrespective of whose problem it is. If we try to solve our children’s problems then we cannot win. If we fail, it is all our fault. (Generally we do fail because our children have no commitment to the solution and so provide little effort to make it work.)
If we do happen to provide a successful solution, then not only do they take the credit for it but also we have robbed them of valuable life experience. We have made them more dependent upon us instead of less dependent.
When safety is not a factor, they are better off choosing a bad solution and learning from their mistake than they are being dependent upon someone else’s decision-making skills.
Thus the decision to become involved in a problem or not, is as important as the quality of the solution. The test of whose problem it is, is simple: Ask: ‘Who is going to be affected by the outcome?’
If the answer is you and you alone, then it is your problem. If the answer is your son, then it is his problem. For example, if your son has to be constantly reminded to be on time for his football practice, then you have taken responsibility for getting him there on time. Who is going to be affected if he is late? He is. Then let him be late and let him take the consequences. This will allow him to learn to be responsible for his actions.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 8:

IF IT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
How do you react if you decide that a problem is your responsibility? Do you act with calm logic and with due care to all the possible implications of your decision? Perhaps on some occasions we do, but on other occasions we tend to react instinctively.
Some of these instinctive decisions can be based more on emotions than on facts. When we are calm we tend to go through a series of sequential steps to reach our decisions.
They are:
1. Define the problem and determine the outcome that you desire.
2. Collect any available information which is relevant to the problem.
3. Develop possible solutions and evaluate their likely outcome.
4. Select the best solution.
5. Implement the chosen solution.
6. Evaluate the effectiveness of your decision.
When we make decisions such as buying a house or buying a car most of us generally follow this sort of process. When buying a car we decide what sort of car we need. We then gather information which allows us to develop a list of possibilities, we select the one which best suits our needs and assess its performance as we use it. This information is then used when we wish to buy our next car.
This is all very well when we are dealing with material objects but when we deal with problems involving people we tend to allow ourselves to become emotionally involved. We often react instinctively in the heat of the moment and lose some of the calm detachment that we have when dealing with objects rather than people.
At times an emotional involvement can hinder the solution to a problem. Sometimes we are more concerned with allocating blame and taking revenge rather than concentrating on how to solve the problem. When we are emotionally involved we stop considering the issues, perhaps to defend ourselves, often by attacking others. In this situation we do not even admit the possibility that we could be wrong.
By reacting emotionally we lose our ability to see the issues objectively. We firmly believe that the problem was caused by someone else, that we are blameless and that the solution rests with the other person doing the right thing.
RESOLVING INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS:
Cast your mind back to Fred’s experience. Recall that he didn’t expect his daughter to lie to him, so when it did happen, his natural reaction was emotional.
Parents who are unaware of what they can do to resolve family conflicts will go through stages of anxiety, grief and anger (a normal part of human behaviour in these circumstances) but these emotions do nothing to help them solve the problem.
Fred’s experience also shows us that people often try to solve the symptoms of a problem rather than the cause of the problem. We tend to do this because we feel very uncomfortable when we are experiencing interpersonal problems.
Being uncomfortable, we tend to look for an easy and quick solution. Thus we often try to solve the problem by clutching the first solution that we think of. Reaction to problems in this way often creates further problems. We may find that we have suppressed the symptoms but then the underlying problem will take on new symptoms.
For example Fred’s first thoughts about solving his problem was to send his daughter to another school. This course of action would have solved only the symptom, not the cause of the problem, but Fred could have done this firmly believing that he was doing the right thing for his daughter.
Taking his daughter out of the company she was in and putting her among strangers would probably have been ineffective, as she would most likely have been more susceptible to peer group influence because of her desire to fit in with her new schoolmates.
Thus the problem would then have recurred at some time later. Another example of the symptom being solved rather than the cause is when we send a child to his room to study.
Hanging around the house and not doing any homework is the symptom of a problem, not the cause. The main problem is how can we encourage the child to want to study.
Very often we are only solving symptoms because we do not know what the real problem is. Either we cannot find the real problem or we decide not to look too closely for we may have to share responsibility for it. It is simply easier to say he’s lazy and then try to force him to study.
It is a natural reaction to put the blame for a problem on someone else.
‘You make me upset.’
‘If it weren’t for you I’d…’
‘After all the things I’ve done for you.’
‘It’s all your fault.’
These are common statements that we all make. What we are really saying is that we have had no responsibility for the problem. It is sometimes easier to blame someone else than it is to acknowledge our own short-comings.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 9:

ALL FAMILY MEMBERS CAN HELP TO RESOLVE PROBLEMS:
There are significant advantages to be gained by involving your children in the problem solving process. One advantage is that they will begin to learn about the realities of life that they will face when they are adults.
Let me explain this by an example. Imagine that you have been taking your family to a particular holiday spot for several years because it is easy to get to and you can spend a relaxing two weeks while still keeping within your budget. Your children now tell you that they are bored with that location and want to go somewhere more exciting.
Simply telling them that it is not up to them to decide where to go and to stop complaining, will have several negative consequences. An alternative approach would be to explain that as your money is not unlimited, the family holiday cannot cost more than the budget figure. The children could then be invited to compile a list of possible destinations which would fit this budget.
A number of outcomes from this exercise are possible: (a) they may be able to find a better holiday location (everybody wins); (b) they may realise that the spot they were going to wasn’t so bad after all (everybody wins); (c) they may decide that there are other ways to make a holiday more interesting for example by camping out instead of renting a unit and using the money saved for extra entertainment (everyone wins).
Whatever the final outcome, the problem-solving experience can be a positive one for all the family.
One of the major advantages that family decision making has, is that if all members contribute to the making of a decision, then they are more likely to be committed to the decision. Thus if your teenage son has had some input into the questions of when he is to come home from a night out, then there is more chance of disciplining himself in line with those guidelines than there is if his parents had simply told him to be home at a certain time (or else).
Family problem solving stimulates communication and allows each member of the family to put their views and feelings forward in a supportive family environment. Problems can actually bring a family closer together if all members work as a team towards a common objective.
Another advantage of family decision making is simply that ‘two heads can be better than one’. Frequently by having a family discussion, you will generate a better solution to a problem than if only one person made the decision. Your children may know something that you are unaware of and if you don’t ask them for their views, then don’t be surprised if they lament that ‘our parents don’t understand us’. The actual decision you arrive at may be a higher quality decision because of the participation of other family members.
To make family decisions more effective, parents should also be aware of the disadvantages in family decision making. One of the disadvantages is that it can be time consuming. However, the time you would have to spend to reach a decision with your children can be very valuable in itself as today’s parents often spend little time actually communicating with their children.
Obviously not all decisions should be taken with the full involvement of all family members. For example, if you have to decide whether to move interstate to accept a good job offer, you and your spouse may be the only family members with a full knowledge of all the future ramifications of this problem. Even in this case though, a family meeting could be held to explain to the children the reasons for the decision and to bring out into the open any fears that the children may have.
Another major problem with family decision making is the lack of skill that most of us have when holding such a meeting. Parents have to be able to handle this type of meeting effectively. It is no use calling a meeting together and then telling the children to be quiet and listen. Children have to be encouraged to make a real contribution to the discussions. The effectiveness of family meetings will depend on the parent’s ability to set the scene and to foster the development of the other family members.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 10:

IT’S OK FOR PARENTS TO SAY NO!
Family meetings do not abrogate parents’ responsibility. As parents, we have a responsibility for our children i.e. their health, safety and development. We should not lightly disregard our views in favour of our children’s in such important matters. Parents can agree on standards, clearly communicate these standards to their children and caringly but firmly uphold them.
If we feel that it is unsafe for our child to go somewhere, then it is not necessarily wrong to ban him irrespective of whether the child feels it is safe or not. But we must be prepared to bear the consequences of that decision and to endeavour to gain our child’s understanding of our reasons.
Your understanding of these issues will assist you to build stronger family relations. This is in fact what had been experienced by Jane and her parents. The turmoil that her family was going through was not just because of their financial hardship but more importantly, because of the way Jane’s parents reacted to this problem.
Jane was bought to speak with Pat (co-author) by her parents because she had run away from home. Her parents were shocked and outraged by Jane’s behaviour and they wanted someone to straighten her out. It became obvious during the discussion, that all three had justified their behaviour to themselves.
All three believed they were in the right. All three felt blameless. Jane’s parents felt that she had no cause to act the way she did. They were angry and hurt but then so was Jane; otherwise she would not have run away. Jane felt that running away was the only thing she could do. It wasn’t of course, but Jane felt that it was.
Jane’s parents had hidden their financial problems from her while they argued with each other about who was responsible. The arguments worsened until Jane felt there was no option but to leave home. She had realized something was wrong and had begun to feel that she was responsible for her family’s conflict.
She said that she could no longer listen to the arguments. Jane’s parents had become entangled in emotional arguments instead of coming to grips with the cause of the problems. They were on a non productive merry-go-round which was contributing to the break-up of their family.
The only way this problem could be resolved was through frank and open communication together with the application of the problem solving process outlined earlier. Only in this way could each member feel needed and useful.
Jane and her parents talked to each other and most importantly, listened to each other’s views. They stopped attacking each other and instead started to attack the financial problems they were having together. They left Pat’s office as a family, realizing that they would have to work at it to keep it that way.
The way a family handles its problems says a lot about the quality and strength of the relationship within that family. Take time now to think about how your family reacts to its problems.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 11:

CHAPTER 3
HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND DEAL WITH STRESS IN YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY:
‘What is happening to me? Everything seems to be crowding in on me. Everyone wants me to do too many things. I can’t stand it anymore. The next person who asks me for something is going to cop it!’
All of us have felt like this to varying degrees at various times. When we are like this we aren’t doing ourselves or our families any good. One of the primary responsibilities of parents is to look after themselves properly, for parents are the foundation upon which their family is based.
If we are stretched beyond our limits, we become anxious and irritable. This condition is not conductive to building stronger family relationships. In fact it actively works against it. When we are in this state, we may send messages that we may not really mean like ‘leave me alone’ or ‘it’s all your fault.’
This condition is not so bad if it is only temporary, but if it is long-term we can seriously damage our relationships with our most important support group, our family. If we continually snap and reject family members or if we are always too busy to spend time developing our relationships, then this has a negative impact on all the family.
A parent may, simply by becoming angry with their spouse, induce an emotional reaction in one of their children particularly if the child is young. The child may wrongfully blame himself for the change of behaviour in his parent. This could lead to a lowering of his self-esteem and even a drop in his scholastic performance.
Long periods of stress frequently result in ill health as our bodies simply wear out. The impact of a patient’s ill health on their family is significant. It places greater stress on the rest of the family. Not only do the chores of the sick parent have to be allocated to other family members but additional chores are created in caring for the sick parent. All these difficulties are of course magnified if the family’s income is significantly reduced because of the illness.
But perhaps more devastating than this, are the lessons that our children learn from our behaviour.
If we are unable to manage ourselves and pass on good values in vital areas such as diet, exercise and relaxation, then we cannot be surprised if our children take more notice of our actions than our words. An obvious example of this is the parent who requires alcohol to get through the day but tells his children of the evils of drugs. Children take more notice of how you act than what you say.
Stress has no age barrier
Stress affects everyone, parents, teachers and students. Our body’s reaction to stress is in itself a very necessary one and one that is essential for our own survival. All of us can improve our lives by learning to react to stress in a constructive rather than a destructive way. When we learn to use stress to assist us to reach our goals, it becomes a positive part of our lives. But before we can harness the positive side of stress, we must have a basis understanding of exactly what stress is, how it works and how you and your family react to it.
Thus the early emphasis in this section will be on how to recognize when you are under stress and what effect it has on you, after which we discuss a number of stress reducing techniques.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 12:

HOW STRESS AFFECTS US:
Stress affects people in different ways because we all have our own individual ways of reacting to stress. Some of these methods are effective while others are not.
The basic response to stress in man is what scientists have called the ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response. This occurs when we are aroused, for example, when we become aware of being in a physically dangerous situation.
Imagine a situation of physical danger – a mugger is after you – and you decide that ‘flight’ is the appropriate action. Your body automatically energises. You run like the wind drawing on all your reserves. Finally you succeed in getting away from him.
When you realise you’re safe, you then collapse on the ground and your body automatically relaxes. This relaxation has a calming effect on your nervous system. It may take some time before your body is ready to allow you to continue your journey.
Each time your nervous system is aroused, your body looks forward to and expects the experience of relaxation. Our body is conditioned to expect this, irrespective of whether the threat is physical or psychological.
Our mind is so powerful that the danger does not even have to be real before our body reacts automatically. For example, a strange noise in the night can set off a ‘fight or flight’ response even if we are in no actual danger.
If for some reason we do not allow our body to relax then our ‘fight or flight’ response will go through three stages.
1.The first stage will be the alarm reaction where the brain sends messages to the body for physical changes to occur automatically in preparation for ‘flight’ or ‘fight’. At this stage our body mobilises our energy to ensure our survival in the face of a perceived threat to our security.
2.The second stage will be the resistance stage. Here the body equips us to fight or take flight to the best of our ability. However no one can be at this level of intensity indefinitely. If we try to do this, we approach the next stage.
3.Resistance gives way to exhaustion. Our body starts to show symptoms of wear and tear.
If we experience continual stress and respond to it destructively, our body will simply wear out. If we become aware of the physical and psychological damage we are doing to ourselves, then we may begin to notice some of the following symptoms:

Physical signs of excessive wear and tear
Feelings of exhaustion and fatigue
But unable to sleep
Frequent headaches or migraines.
Stomach pains, cramps, nausea.
Rashes that will not go away.
Shortness of breath.
Trembling hands and excess sweating.
Muscle tension, spasm, backache.
Loss of sexual drive.
Rapid speech.
An increase in blood pressure.
Psychological signs of excessive wear and tear
Frequent mood changes.
Feelings of depression.
Anger at self and others.
Suspicion and anxiety.
Feelings of inadequacy.
Feeling that nobody cares.
‘Scapegoating’ or blaming others.
Loss of sense of humour.
Inability to relax.
Irritability over trivial matters.

You may have experienced one or more of these symptoms, but it doesn’t automatically follow that your body is falling apart. However if you frequently experience any of the above over a period of time, now is the time to change.
In dealing with stress it is important to know:

1.when we feel stress
and;
2.what symptom is provokes in us.

When we are able to identify the symptoms we can look for the cause. We can then develop basic stress management techniques to assist us to react constructively.
When considering solutions, it is important to realise that some solutions will be found in choosing to alter your environment or lifestyle. Others will be found internally by choosing to alter the way you look at, and thereby react to, the world as you perceive it. All solutions must start with a personal commitment to change. There is no magic wand. You are responsible for the way you feel. Only YOU can make the change.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 13:

DEALING WITH STRESS:
As we all respond to stress differently, it is important to identify your own existing responses. You may find that one of the causes of stress in your life is the behaviour of others, perhaps even your immediate family.
If this is the case, it is easy to blame others for what you feel, but this does not help solve the problem. In fact this natural reaction is part of the problem. Let us digress briefly here and look at why people have this effect on us.
The first thing to understand is that for each behaviour, there is a cause or reason. If you find some behaviour unsatisfactory, then one of the things that help us to remain cool and calm, is to try and find out what caused that behaviour. The cause may be unexpected but it is important that before the problem can be resolved, you know why that behaviour took place.
Using your conflict resolving skills (Chapter 1), problem-solving skills (Chapter 2) and communication skills (Chapter 4), you can get to the bottom of the problem and find out what is actually happening.
Once the cause of the behaviour has been identified, then action can take place if both parties agree that they do not want the same situation to occur again. This in itself is an important stress reduction technique, for now both parties can work towards a common goal and feel relaxed instead of anxious in each other’s company.
One important fact which must be acknowledged before we can effectively deal with stress is that it is our brain which controls our stress response. Stress is not external to us. It is in fact, within us.
Have you ever noticed that something which caused stress in one person didn’t have the same effect on another person? The situation that faces us is not itself stressful. What is stressful is the interpretation we place on that situation.
The pressures of life are all around us and the way that we react to these pressures determines the stress that we place ourselves under.
Stress is within us
To demonstrate that stress is within the person and not the situation, let’s look at the hypothetical reactions of two parents who, through their school’s parents committee, are to represent their organisation in a nationally televised summit.
The two parents’ individual responses to this situation could differ dramatically.
One parent who is an accomplished speaker may be able to handle the situation without any problems at all. If, however, the other parent hasn’t spoken to a group before, let alone been in front of a camera, then it is quite likely that the pressure of the situation will activate a stress response within that person.
The situation is the same, but the two people handle it differently, with different outcomes. One parent may respond with the best speech of his life, while the other may be too sick to speak.
If a certain event fills you with dread, then you will feel anxious and your body will react negatively. If you look forward to the event with enthusiasm and pleasure, then you will feel excitement and your body will react positively. The difference is very real and can easily be observed by those around you even though it is a matter of how you’re seeing it, rather than what you’re seeing.
Different responses in different people can occur even though the situation is the same. Also one person may react differently to similar situations at different times in their life.
STRESS REDUCTION TECHNIQUES:
There are four simple stress reduction techniques which are available to all of us irrespective of our income, location or career.
These are:
1.Rational Emotive Therapy
2.Relaxation
3.Diet
4.Exercise
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